It’s bad enough when we begin to feel like were going crazy. What’s worse? When your family and friends believe it. This feeling of going crazy may not be the first symptom for you, but it may be the first one that those around you notice.
In the beginning, you feel the pain and frustration, the exhaustion and memory loss, but you can hide it. Your family remains in the dark believing you are in a bad mood or overtired so seem over-emotional. But then it happens. One day you wake up and there is a wall between you and the life you once enjoyed.
The feelings you once expressed are dead. You stop interacting with those around you. You become paranoid, believing no one likes you or they’re out to get you. When your family gets together you may feel like they are ganging up on you or ignoring you. I remember standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking into the dining room, watching everyone eating and talking. I felt like I was watching from another plane. I felt like I was an outsider looking in. I could speak and no one would hear me or respond to my presence.
Eventually, I stopped “feeling.” I became dissociated from not only everyone else, but myself. I became numb and unable to feel emotion. When I was younger, I enjoyed painting. I never painted. I think the last picture I painted was in 1993. I didn’t paint again until 2016 after I was diagnosed and changed my lifestyle.
For years I isolated myself. I made every excuse I could think of to keep from socializing. It got to a point where I was completely uncomfortable around others. When things went wrong, I would allow the “wrong” to consume me like a dark cloud. I never laughed.
I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt. I was dying inside but put on a brave face so no one would know how much pain I was in. In hindsight, I realize it would have been better to be open about what I felt.
Many years later I remember the pain. I see it through clear eyes now, and I hope to help others bull back the blinders and find the joy they once experienced in life. Life is a journey that isn’t meant to be traveled alone. I’m sharing this information to help others get beyond the darkness and finally step into the light.
