Category: Relationships

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Day Twenty-Seven

Sunday, Funday!

This is our final Sunday fun-day for this Challenge.

It’s hard to believe I’ve been working this Challenge for almost 30 days. I’ve learned many things about myself. We’ve addressed both emotion and friction while incorporating them into our workout. Actually, they are a result of the workout.

I was raised during a time when we were taught that we needed to control our emotions. We needed to keep them hidden. We were weak if we showed our emotion. And no one wanted to see you cry. “Suck it up buttercup”, “brush it off and keep going”, were words we heard when we heard when we got hurt.

I don’t blame my parents for this though. They were only parenting the way they were parented. Part of our shadow work is to heal these wounds and change the perception of how we grow and learn.

For many years of my life, until recently, in fact, I hid my emotions. I never cried in front of my children. Certain people said I had a cold heart, because I didn’t show emotion. While that hurt, I never let it show. But it did affect me. For a while, I believed it. Yet, somehow in my “cold heartedness”, I still took excellent care of my children, volunteered and gave to charities. I was always there to help anyone who asked. Now that I look at the big picture, I can tell you I do have a heart.

The emotions didn’t break lose until I started doing the work. I’ve been focusing on my shadow work for years now. But to be honest, those tears didn’t flow freely, until I started this challenge.

I believe the friction created by the workout options is what forced the emotion to the surface. The friction creates pain in the body. We are learning the the pain we experience isn’t just a physical reaction to the body working muscles that haven’t been worked in years. The pain is also an emotional response to the energy that has been stored in those muscles. The “work” forces and releases that energy which is what prompts the emotion, causing the tears to release that energy.

I don’t claim to be an expert when it comes to shadow work. I’m a “newbie”. I will tell you I’ve learned a lot. I’ve become more acquainted with my true self. I’ve learned to trust myself. And I’ve learned that with time and patience, I can heal.

I’ve also learned that those working the Shadow Work Challenge have been a great support to each other. It is a new experience for me. I’m thankful for all the gifts that this Challenge has afforded me.

If you’re looking to grow and heal from past trauma of any sort, you should consider joining the Challenge in January 2023.

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Day Twenty-Four – Being Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

It was a busy day for me today. I cooked breakfast for my family. We were a party of 18. I love to get together with my family. It is the only day of the year that we are all able to come together and share a meal.

I was up extra early this morning to be sure I got in my workout before the fun began. This was a new experience for me. Before the Shadow Work Challenge, I never got up early to workout. So, today I’m expanding my horizons, yet, again. I was up extra early, finished my workout, took a shower (yes cold), and took some time to meditate.

Thanksgiving, for me, used to be a wonderful holiday. But over the last few years things have changed. I love to get together with my family, don’t get me wrong. So much has changed in recent years. From the lock-downs to people getting the flu, to relationships changing. Nothing is the same. I’m thankful for breakfast where everyone was lighthearted and full of joy. But I need to work to bring the joy back to the dinner meal.

As I return the conversation back to the Challenge, I have to be honest. We had a great breakfast. And dinner was nice. I entertained two of my sister’s, my brother-in-law, one of my daughter’s and my mom. I am grateful to have been able to be in such good company. But I miss the days where I had twenty plus for dinner. What a crew we were.

So, tonight I sit with the emotion that I believe Brice was talking about in the video above.

In the early evening hours, after I cleaned up the kitchen, I sat quietly in my dimly lit living room. My thoughts returned to earlier in the day as I reflected on those who didn’t make it for dinner. My mind began to whirl, to go off on a tangent, creating reasons why they might not have wanted to enjoy the meal with us. Of course, I know the reasons I came up with aren’t real. My ego was playing tricks on me again. Thanks to our conversations through the challenge, I am now able to recognize the little tricks the ego plays.

I ended my evening, with my journal, and then sat down to continue reading The Hathor Material”. And surprisingly, I was able to turn out the lights at Ten.

Another day, and many lessons later, The Shadow Work Challenge is still part of my routine.

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Healthy Relationships

In 2017 I met a wonderful group of ladies. We connected through a online group that promoted the lesson of miraculous living. At the time I had no idea where the lesson would lead.

Today, I realize the best miracle is the miracle of friendship. We met in 2017. It’s now 2020 and we continue to connect every Wednesday on Zoom. We make a point to discuss the positive things that have occurred during the week. We support each other in prayer, by offering up those intentions that we each need to see in our lives.

I’ve come to realize that we can spend a lifetime surrounded by people, yet we may never really make connections. And in a flash, there are those who are drawn to each other through space and time to connect on a level so deep, it is a though they share energy. These ladies are those who I feel a connection that helps me to be the best me, I can be. I hope I offer the same to each of them.

I mention this connection because I know how lonely life can be. I remember sitting in my house, watching movies or reading. All while being alone. Yes I’m married, but that relationship is not true. I don’t say that to talk bad about my spouse, but to share the idea that sometimes even those who are supposed to be our “best friend” end up being strangers we live with. Those are things we all need to work through. Things we all need to come to terms with and resolve.

Part of healing from trauma is recognizing when things in our life aren’t right. Yes, there are always signs, but often times we push away those signs because it’s too uncomfortable to address them.

I look back on my diagnosis of Hashimotos, and through fresh eyes see another side to why I manifested it. Yes, on a subconscious level, I manifested it. Let me explain.

I’ve always been someone who wants to help others. Often times to my detriment. I never say “no” to anyone. I never tell anyone how I feel, or what I need. Now I know it’s because my throat chakra has been blocked. This block manifested in the form of a thyroid condition. This condition would require medication for the rest of my life.

Thankfully I was smart enough, awake enough to know that the pharmaceudical industry didn’t have our best interest at heart. You know the rest of that story.

My situation, where I was alone and didn’t share what I needed, where I had no friends, caused my body to react. In my determination to heal myself, I found my peeps. They may not be local, but they are there for me, and I’m there for them. We meet over tea once a week and connect daily sometimes through a private facebook group. They have helped me grow and learn more about who I am, and helped me to realize my dreams. I’m grateful for each of them.

If you’re in a place where you feel lonely and have no one to confide in, remember, there is always hope. When you need it most, and you’re open and willing to receive, you will make those connections. Keep leaning in to the healing process.

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When Stress Isn’t Stress

One of the struggles for people with Hashimotos, is stress. When stress enters our life it affects the whole endocrine system. This is one of the reasons I take ashwaghanda and holy basil.

One of the things those of us with Hashimotos are told is, learn how to manage your stress. That being said sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and there is nothing you can do about the stress, except ride out the storm. I’m going through one such storm now.

In 2017 I found out my spouse was keeping a big secret from me. This in addition to a habit that left me uncomfortable among other things. I’m not going to go into details about what was done, because, even though I’m hurt and disappointed, and I’ve also been left traumatized, I’m not vengeful.

For the last 2 years I’ve struggled because I stayed with my spouse, hoping he would make amends, and make things right. He did not. Last fall I asked him to leave. It took until this month to get him to finally leave.

I share this information only to bring to light another form of trauma. One that affects many more people than we know. Yes, betrayal trauma. It is a thing.

For years I thought the symptoms that present with Hashimotos were only related to that. However, I have come to realize that the symptoms I had long before I was diagnosed with Hashimotos, were symptoms of betrayal trauma. While I’m not going to share here the story of betrayal, I’d like to share a little about betrayal trauma.

Betrayal trauma is the impact of being traumatized emotionally by a person close to you who has violated the trust of the victim. In my case it was my spouse.

Because the betrayal is so personal in nature, it can be more destabilizing that strictly fear based trauma (I don’t discount fear based trauma. It is terrible too). Betrayal trauma has also been associated with the following:

•             Anxiety

•             Hypervigilance

•             Feeling overwhelmed

•             Withdrawal & isolation

•             Difficulty concentrating

•             Difficulty regulating intense emotions

•             Avoidance

•             Flashbacks

•             Negative thoughts

•             Numbness & detachment

•             Sleep & appetite disturbances

•             Headaches (I had migraines all the time)

I can tell you the above list is pretty accurate. My experience included most of those on the list.

When he left, a wave of emotions passed over me. I cried tears of relief for the first day. I’m hoping I can heal from this trauma now that he’s gone. It may take a while, but I’m determined I won’t live the rest of my life like this.

If you think you have experienced a similar trauma, please know you’re not alone. I’m going to work through this, you can too.